As stated before, I don't do journals that often. Since my last entry I have done the following:

1. Gone to Tora-con. (I had an ah-mazing time and I learned a great deal about myself.)

2. Broken up with my boyfriend. (Started off as a very negative experience, but I learned even more about myself.)

3. Officially been told that my parents are getting a divorce when they are financially able. (I’ve seen this coming, but that doesn’t change my feelings about it.)

4. Received a 78% in Pre-AP English, the lowest grade I have ever received for a class in my entire life. (Depression = Losing Memory = Test Failures.)

5. Realized that I have lived the past few years on auto-pilot. (Making everyone see the happy person I frantically wished to be.)

6. Started to have weekly meetings with the school counselor. (She’s nice.)

7. Officially have a new psychologist. (He’s nice.)


So-oh, I am not looking for pity, empathy, or any of the like, but that is pretty much the summary of what has gone on. Now, onto the more important matter which has caused me to write this journal, to just have my thoughts spilled into words. Real. Live. Visual. Words.

Let me start with C. For background, all that is needed to know is that C is:
A male and someone I met at Tora-con:
He can’t be a rebound. He won’t be that rubber band for me. No, he just can’t and won’t be. He’s not a bad person, right? I can’t make myself see what I want to see, because I’ll end up in the place I was before. Cut me a break? It’ll be a learning experience. I can talk to him for hours. Yes, hours on end without really skipping a beat. Stories and words flow. Reinforcing my look back at my faith: seeing, believing, again, thankfully. Understanding the doubt and protecting the truth I feel as though I finally might comprehend the question well enough to form my own answer. Am I going too fast? Did I just put on an act to forget? Or were you and I actually, truthfully, whole-heartedly working? Machine to machine, handshakes, and the connection worked for the moment. Have I sent the right signal? Did you even receive it right? Do I blatantly ask you? Will not happen, it would not be right in any sense. It’s a strength I want to obtain by myself, but the push is so tempting. It would be easier, and it would make just that much more sense and cause just enough understanding that it might bring me to that independent point. A plan, a plan, something after high school and hanging out with friends, tempt, trust, and need. I could be just wasting his time. I’m probably not worth this anyways. No, not worthless, just unworthy of that type of help. I should be able to do this by myself. I am old enough to understand what is needed to get this done. No rebound boy. He. Just. Won’t. Be. He just can’t. C will not be the fall back, the net. Nets rip and are not trustworthy. Nets cut you into pieces. They leave scars and marks. Unforgettable things happen with nets. Maybe a wall, use C as a wall? No. Walls crumble, they tumble down with a simple trumpet blast, I’ve learned, I know. If it could just be as simple as telling him, “I really, really like you,” I could handle that. This, but, oh, this torture of unknowing what I’m supposed to do is breaking things into pieces that I never knew existed. They call it cute, this agony, but I don’t want such a flexible adjective. I want a noun, a verb. I need to learn, so teach and I will trust. You are a doctor, after all.
[/incomprehensible thought(s) about C]

Time to give A his own space:
You have a girlfriend for gosh darn sake. I think you’re cool, but, just, no. -_-“ That is probably not even what you are trying to do, but it seems like it. I’m probably just too full of myself, but, eh.
[/inconceivable thought(s) about A]

Sometimes life just hits us in the face and we don’t know how to respond. Do we turn around and say, “Hey, life! Get back here so I can hit you right back!” Or do we continue on our way? I don’t want to shake or break, I’ve done enough of that for a lifetime, but I need an answer or something that would make things relatively understandable. Cherry Coke. 2 Liters. I drink it all away by myself; a catharsis of ingestion. I don’t want all of the answers anymore. The mystery keeps me going. It’s that hidden elements of the world that I want to discover on my own. Stability, no more earthquakes, please. They leave things even more broken and hidden. Shiver, it’ll warm you. Clouds make me smile. It hides the sun, but brings the beauty of rain, sometimes. Thunder, boom. Silence, no. Techniques, technique, don’t think. Let it all go, and just go. Never stop, you’ll spin, it will be right. Float, fly, and soar. Wings were made for flying, but I want them just for show. The sky goes far too high for me. Don’t give me a map, I can figure it out on my own, gulp, I hope. There will be no rubber bands, I will not snap back into place. I will stretch, I will change, I will be who I was meant to be. He has a plan for me, I’m sure of it. I will trust, I will follow even when my world seems hollow. I promise, I pray to understand when the time is right. Faith, falling into hands that are already bruised and scarred, that’s the point. They have done this before, I will be caught. I will not fail. I am not getting rid of the problem for the benefit of myself. Hold me? You will forever.
[/thoughts about life beyond understanding]

“Shoot a dream in your arm, and sleep away. It’s not the stuff that kills you, keeps your life at bay…” ~Jars of Clay {Surprise}

Click and follow the directions, if you please.->[link]